Children are naturally drawn to stories and storytelling. Storytelling creates cohesion and fosters understanding. Allowing children the freedom to tell their stories gives them a sense of self-competence and confidence as they face challenges. By becoming authors of their own experience, children can regain a sense of control and understanding following loss. Journaling, drawing, creating and communicating with others about loss promotes healing from grief and honors the child’s relationship with that which has been lost.
You can learn a lot about a child from the stories they tell. Psychologists have long thought children’s stories were windows into their minds and souls—there are testing instruments that were developed as a way to peer into the inner lives of children. Lately, my girls have been obsessed with stories about “bad guys” and “mean people.” I have deduced that they are finding their way about notions of justice, delineating right from wrong, and seeking resolution that has good triumph over evil to control their own fears and anxieties.
During my time running groups for traumatized teenagers, I was charged with guiding the girls through a model of treatment called narrative therapy. With the support of a therapist and their peers, these girls regained a sense of control and agency as they told the stories of their lives, separating their identity from the multiple traumas each had endured. Their expression of trauma and grief took multiple forms through journaling, artwork, and talking in the group setting—and sometimes the traumas were omitted altogether. It was each girl’s prerogative to choose what story she would ultimately tell about herself and her life. The overarching principle behind this group’s task is the same for all different kinds of therapy in all different kinds of places with all different kinds of people. Basically, give people the space to talk about their lives, their losses, themselves.
Sometimes, even trained professionals make a critical mistake in understanding the wisdom underlying the therapeutic value in telling one’s story. Giving people the option to talk is different than telling them they need to talk. Giving children space to tell their own story as they want to tell it is different than asking children to verbally express their grief or trauma. Yet this distinction is the most important takeaway I have from my entire doctorate training.
Shortly after the planes smashed into the World Trade Center on 9/11, well-meaning therapists and counselors descended on local Manhattan schools to “de-brief” with the students who had witnessed the attack. The efforts of the therapists were borne from the belief that still underlies efforts of therapists today, that these children needed to “process” what they had endured; to let it all out before it seeped in and caused permanent damage. The truth is, many children who were debriefed after 9/11 reported that the debriefing sessions proved to be more traumatic than the tragic events themselves.
Similarly, Prince Harry recently spoke out for the first time about his mother, who died when he was 12. Harry cited it was “the way he had been forced to publicly grieve Princess Diana—and as a result hardly grieve at all—that did the most damage.” It took him almost 20 years to finally speak out about his unresolved grief and realize the healing power of telling his story his own way in his own time.
A whole body of literature emerged from this 9/11 debriefing finding, concluding that for single incident traumas (such as the death of a loved one), it is not clinically prudent to indiscriminately encourage talking about the experience. The study that first uncovered the harmful effects of de-briefing launched me into years of research to try to understand when talking is helpful and when it’s not, especially for children.
Respect the child’s instincts. Well-meaning adults are often compelled to encourage children to talk, even if the child’s instincts lead the child toward coping mechanisms that do not employ verbal expressions of grief and trauma.
Give the child space to tell the story. Or not. It is always a good idea for loving adults to let the child know that they are available to listen. But it is not a good idea to force children to tell a story they aren’t ready to tell. Some children may never want to talk about their experience, and that is OK. But you should indicate that if they change their mind, you are there.
Let the child communicate HOW they want to communicate. Verbal expression is often not the primary mode of communication about grief or trauma. Non-verbal methods such as play or art can also serve as an outlet for expression. The loss may play a starring role in the story, or it may be in the footnotes. That is OK. Give your child lots of opportunities for different kinds of expression. One family I know installed a mailbox for her middle school daughter to leave written messages as a way to tell her story in her own time.
Seek the support that you need to help your child. In my years as a child therapist, countless parents would bring their children to me because they felt their child needed to “talk to a professional” about a trauma or loss or problems. In case you haven’t gathered, I did not take the “therapeutic approach” of making the child talk to me about said issue. My job in those situations, as I saw it, was to follow the child, but indicate that I was there as a supportive adult if ever they felt the need to explore tough material. You have the power to offer that same gift to a child, and if you need support in doing so, don’t hesitate to ask your pediatrician for a referral to a mental health professional. That’s what they’re there for.
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