Seek Validation.
Acknowledging the child’s loss affirms a child’s sense of himself as a valuable, legitimate member of a family and larger society. Adults should speak directly, frankly, and immediately about death to a child, using concrete language and avoiding euphemisms like “resting in peace” or “gone to a better place.” In empathically engaging with a child about death, you should not be too worried about upsetting them or making things worse. Like adults, children benefit from social support: it reduces stress and makes us less prone to lasting psychological problems. Try to let the child lead, listening carefully to her and giving her direct and simple answers to any questions she may have.
Crave Ritual.
Loss can make children feel even more out of control than usual. Providing them with a chance to hold a ceremony or ritual promotes their sense of personal agency. Establishing a predictable, clear routine is especially important given the changes that inevitably accompany loss. Knowing what to expect gives kids a sense of authority when they otherwise feel powerless.
Struggle to Understand.
At any age, disbelief and denial are common responses to loss. The natural brain development of children puts them at a disadvantage in coming to terms with the loss. Children do not have the capacity to fully grasp concepts, may ask repetitive questions, or may be confused. A clear, consistent message delivered patiently in frank language by someone they trust is best.
Tell Their Stories.
Children are naturally drawn to stories and storytelling. Storytelling creates cohesion and fosters understanding. By becoming authors of their own experience, children can regain a sense of control and understanding about their loss. Allowing children the freedom to tell their stories gives them a sense of self-competence and confidence as they face challenges. Journaling, drawing, creating and communicating with others about loss promotes healing from grief and honors the child’s relationship with that which has been lost.
Collect Mementos.
Children are natural collectors. In the event of a loss, this tendency to collect may intensify. This comes from a desire to reinforce their developing identities and possess items that they like and identify with. During loss, kids often seek keepsakes, items, and ways to honor and memorialize that which has been lost. Importantly, many children fear that they will forget those who have died. Memories fade over time, especially in minds that are still developing at the time of the loss. This is scary for children who cling to memories as their only way to remain connected to the deceased. You can help your child curate and store items in a special container that keep memories alive.
Feel the Pain.
Children somaticize, meaning they tend to express grief through their bodies rather than putting words to their complex emotions. After a death, you might notice an increase in aches, pains, and boo boos. Stomach and head aches are common. Children also may act out aggression, anxiety, and sadness through their bodies. Soothing words and gestures will help them understand that you recognize their pain and will tend to them.
Experience Fear.
Anxiety, fears and worries escalate in times of loss. Many children regress to behaviors they have outgrown or that are more commonly seen in younger children. You may notice sleep difficulties, nightmares, or a fear of the dark. In school, students may have difficulty concentrating, may easily lose focus, or may develop academic troubles. Over time, this should subside, so don’t be too afraid to indulge them a little with childlike measures to make them feel less afraid, like a nightlight, worry dolls, or a stuffed animal at bedtime.
Feel Guilty.
Although unwarranted, guilt is a common response in children when they experience the death of a loved one. Natural aggressive feelings like sibling rivalry, frustration, and parental opposition are all healthy parts of growing up. Unlike adults, though, children aren’t yet able to draw firm lines between reality and fantasy. They may mistakenly believe that their aggressive feelings somehow inflicted real pain or caused a death. They may fear that any anger they feel after a death makes them inherently bad. Children need to be reassured that they are not to blame for the death, and that anger is normal. They also need space to honor and express their love for the deceased, to reinforce the self-perception that they are loving and kind.
Are Still Kids.
Play is the work of childhood. Children use play to work out aggression, to manage anxiety, and of course, to have fun! In the face of loss, they often vacillate between grief and play, and may surprise you with their easy ability to shift attention away from grief rather than wallowing as adults tend to do. And being kids, they love gifts, treats, and mail- a personalized touch that says I love you, I understand you are suffering, and I wish you well can go a long way.
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